you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
