thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
