I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
