my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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