My sheets look like a crime scene.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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