Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
