I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
