were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
