dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize