I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Green mimosas i think yes
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
