Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
