Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
