I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
