Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My nipple is on Facebook.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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