i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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