Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
