and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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