I hate all girls vehemently.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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