your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize