I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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