remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
