I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
