dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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