Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
