when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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