listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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