watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize