Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
