I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
