i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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