She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
