If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
