I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
