I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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