If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
