I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
