I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
