Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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