I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
