Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize