my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
