We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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