i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
