I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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