I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
why does every cop we meet know your name?
PANTIES FOUND
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