I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
