He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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