Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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