I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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