I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My pussy is not your playground.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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